You’ve probably realized by now that you can find just about anything on the Internet, regardless of how absolutely bizarre it might seem. Within this world of endless possibilities, there exists a plethora of things that are not penises but that were designed to look exactly like ‘em. We aren’t entirely sure what you’re going to do with these items, though we do think a gag (pun intended) gift would be a good idea.
What’s also kind of strange and downright hilarious is that someone is actually producing and selling these phallic paraphernalia like it’s the most normal thing in the world!
1. Weenie Linguine Penis-Shaped Pasta
‘The only noodle with a hard-on’, they boast proudly. The name alone has got us in stitches and their mascot is a little Chef Penis. We’re guessing the guy who created this thought you might want some comfort food you could laugh at as you eat? Who needs men when you’ve got a creamy bowl of penis-shaped alfredo? The only thing that says a girls night in more than a bowl of pasta is a bowl of penis-shaped pasta.
Order yourself some Weenie Linguine right here!
2. Jumbo Pecker Cake Pan
Ladies, if your man isn’t doing you right, perhaps you’d like to bake a giant penis-shaped chocolate cake you can devour with a heaped serving of vanilla ice-cream. Men are no match for things like chocolate cake and ice cream – and in the shape of a penis, no less!
What’s life without some Jumbo Pecker cake in it?
3. Thunder Dix Party Noisemakers
We’re hoping you’re thinking of using these at your best gal’s bachelorette party, and not just throwing yourself parties with them, alone in your room (though really, who are we to judge?). These giant, pink, penis-looking inflatables come in at 20 inches each – did we mention they come in pairs?. They’re definitely just what you need to get your party started.
Ain’t a party without some Thunder Dix, so don’t miss out – get yours!
4. Penis-Shaped Menstrual Pad Pattern
In case you’ve always wanted to make your own cloth pads, in the shape of a penis of course! We all know our hormones rage when we’re on our periods, though were not quite sure if this will do the trick. It’s worth a shot, we suppose?
Don’t wait till your next period, click here for your own PDF penis pattern!
5. Penis Cookie Cutters
Maybe you’re more of a cookie than a cake kind of girl. The world of phallic shaped objects has not forsaken you. Instead, it brings you penis-shaped cookie cutters for your next bake day, if you’re looking to spice things up! Look, it even comes in the shape of its flaccid, more natural state!
We know you can’t wait to start baking, so head on over here and order your own.
6. Personal Mini Penis Piñata
This just goes to show that in our crazy, wonderful world, nobody is left out. Not even the brothers with the micro penises or the girls who are into that. Guess what? These piñatas are even customizable! You get to choose from a chart of hair and skin colours. Yes, we know, it’s all very exciting.
You’re just one click away from owning your own!
7. Jumbo Pecker Sucking Straw
Yes, they did refer to it as a ‘sucking straw’. As if the word ‘straw’ alone wasn’t a clear enough indication of its purpose. Perfect for the next party you throw, or simply for when you feel like sipping a cocktail in style! Our only complaint is that they don’t appear to come in a more, well, multicultural selection of colours.
Get sippin’ with your own, just click here to order.
There you have it, 7 penis-shaped items you never knew you needed to own until you read this article. We foresee you being a hit at the next bachelorette party (and/or family gathering). Once again, we aren’t here to judge!