We’ve all seen movie sex. Everything happens without a hitch and things transitions perfectly from one stage to the next. Things get hot and heavy the moment the couple comes through the door of his/her home. Clothes slide off with no effort. One moment they’re against the wall and the next, they’re on the bed. Everything from foreplay to sweet climax is sexy. Well, that never happens in real life.
First of all, real sex is messy; hands-sticky-with-lube, hair-all-over-your-face messy. Real sex is less a symphony of pleasure sounds and more a noisy mix of slapping thighs, haphazard instruction and the occasional fart sound. Real sex is great, but let’s acknowledge for a moment that sex isn’t the sexiest. In fact, it’s rife with awkward moments.
Here are 9 awkward moments we’ve all experienced during sex.
One of the most awkward things that can happen during sex is when he’s going down on you, and you let one rip. It happens. When someone farts, there are two ways things can go. One, he pretends it didn’t happen and makes you shut up and stop apologizing. Two, sex ends. Right there. Right then.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with the term, queefing is basically when your vagina farts because air gets trapped in there during sex. Unlike a fart which can swing either loud or soft, a queef is never subtle. You will hear it. It almost rings in your ears.
3. Putting a condom on midway during sex
Condoms are cumbersome. Necessary, but cumbersome. The air is filled with sex and tension; he wants you and you want him. …And he sticks his hand into his drawer and fishes out a pack of Durex. You sit there, trying to keep the sexual tension right where you want it while he tries to slip on a condom as quickly as he can manage. Not a sexy moment, but I guess between this and an unwanted pregnancy, it’s the less of two evils.
4. Needing to pee during sex
Have you ever gone into sex knowing full well your bladder might give way anytime? When everyone involved is hot, bothered and raring to go, I think most of us would take our chances with the pee. While this doesn’t change actual intercourse in anyway, it does give you that little bit of anxiety knowing that at any moment, your plumbing might fail you.
5. Having hair in your face
Guys think blowjobs are sexy for women, and I blame porn for perpetuating that myth. The thing is there is porn hair and there is real hair. Porn hair is obedient. Real hair isn’t. Porn hair magically stays where it needs to stay. Real hair falls all over your faces when you’re giving head, which one, makes it difficult to see, and two, makes us feel less sexy, more Sadako. And the awkward factor increases five-fold when he helps hold your hair away from your face like he’s some kind of hair accessory.
6. Prickly parts bumping against each other
Freshly shaven pubes are bliss. 3-day growth is not. 3-day growth is a crotch exfoliant that jabs at your vagina in very unpleasant ways. It’s like having sandpaper smacked against your privates again and again and again.
7. Leg/Arm cramps
Some of us get leg/arm cramps in the middle of sex, especially if our partners like to do it in unnatural, borderline acrobatic positions. For some women, just lying on your back with your legs splayed as he services you can also result in a cramp. This is reasonable. Not all of us are Olympic gymnasts or yoga experts.
8. When he takes too long to make you come
Some of us have very sweet, generous lovers who are determined to make us come. If they’re down there 10 minutes, it’s fine – girls take a relatively long time to climax anyway. But if they’re down there 30 minutes, you start mentally twiddling your thumbs because what is going on down there?
9. Being interrupted
Nothing – nothing – is worse than when you’re nearing an orgasm and a phone call comes in, and the phone is on the loudest setting so you can’t just ignore it. The moment is killed annihilated as he or you scrambles to reject the call or turn the phone to silent. Before you know it, someone’s getting dressed because the moment is gone. Ditto when someone’s parent knocks on the room door.
What is the most awkward moment you’ve experienced while having sex with your partner? Let us know in the comments below!